Don't go, firefly
by seiauton
Summary: Sasuke internalizes his troubles, but some way or other, they surface anyway. Nightmares trail his every step and reveal what he refuses to admit.


"You hate yourself, right?"

Sasuke looked up only to look down again. His younger self stood before him, hand on his hip and Konoha headband wrapped around his forehead. It reflected the sunlight even though they were surrounded by darkness. Weird thing, these dreams. By now, Sasuke was used to them.

"No," he considered. "…Yeah. Depends." He didn't quite know what to say and so he spoke without thought.

If it were clear cut, he'd have one less thing to worry about. It was a nasty habit, to constantly ponder about whether or not he could actually stand himself. On the one hand, someone _had_ to. On the other, he was just so very unlikable.

It was silent for a second, then an arched eyebrow caused sparks to dance around Sasuke's skin. Tiny fireflies, they wandered up and down his spine, coiled before his stomach and moved against his throat as he swallowed.

In his dreams, he couldn't hide anything from anyone. He was bare. The complete and utter mess that he embodied.

"I try not to. But it's … hard."

"You don't let others like you," his opposite retorted. "That's why you feel like a fucking piece of shit."

Sasuke couldn't deny it.

"That's not all though. You don't let them cause you want Itachi's approval. And father's. And– Fuck, you're _weak_."

Even then, Sasuke could not speak up.

"You're moping cause it's not the right people who care about you. You realize how petty that is, right? How selfish?"

His silence signaled that, yes, he very much did.

The sigh that followed caused the fireflies to swirl faster around Sasuke. He now noticed that they were warm—hot—when they touched him. Actual fire, or so it seemed. Sasuke welcomed it for he knew not to differentiate between love and manipulation. Both hurt, both burned him. It was one and the same.

He opened his mouth slightly. His teeth showed but they clicked together mere seconds later. As per usual, Sasuke tightened his jaw until it hurt. He couldn't do it.

"You're disgusting." A pause. "You taking your meds?"

After the massacre, he'd been prescribed antidepressants. The first dosage had been too high and the side effects had made Sasuke wary. He'd skipped taking them until one of the doctors had noticed and changed the pills. Sasuke had still refused to gulp them down.

"You should take them. Better a brainless vegetable than the sorry excuse of a person you're now."

A firefly sat on Sasuke's cheekbone. When he blinked, the ends of his lashes frizzled away because of the heat. He felt no pain and hardly noticed the insect was even there. For some reason, he had grown numb.

His other self stepped closer at a confident pace. Suddenly, he seemed to be farther away for it took him a while to actually reach Sasuke. Ten steps, soundless but heavy. Sasuke felt small.

"Stop trying to be what you're not. You're a piece of shit. You deserve no wants or goals. You do what you do. Because it's the right thing. Because we _tell_ you to."

He extended an arm towards him and Sasuke flinched. His eyes snapped closed and his brows pulled together. When fingers tapped against his cheek, he dared to blink again. The other Sasuke had removed the firefly that had been burning his skin. Now, he held it and the bug struggled vainly.

For a while, this continued. Then there was a splashing sound. The tiny light was gone. Sparks rose to the sky and Sasuke saw his dead family in them. Uchihas were burned after death so that they could become one with the fire. Alongside the smoke, they reached heaven.

The village had buried their corpses instead.

"Never forget," his other self explained as Sasuke tilted his head upwards. "You can never be me. I'm the 'you' you will never be. The one who is on equal grounds with his clanmates, the one who is worthy of existence."

The other fireflies vanished. Darkness engulfed them completely now.

"I'm the 'you' who will carve a path for himself while you rot in the earth. Know your place and learn to listen. We decide."

And Sasuke obeyed.


End file.
